


shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

by joshuaatbest



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-07-12 22:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7126606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshuaatbest/pseuds/joshuaatbest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler Joseph gets on a plane, fully expecting everything to go wrong.<br/>But then, a boy with blue hair and a nose ring sits down next to him and everything changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok first off I'm really sorry if this is not how things happen in America because I live in England so sorry about that.   
> Second off this is the first fanfic I have written on here so apologies if its a bit rubbish!

"Flight 369 to Ohio is now boarding"

I ran my shaking fingers through my hair and stood up from the hard airport chair. I checked the terminal once more, just to check I definitely went to the right one and I didn't end up getting on the wrong plane. 

Walking towards the terminal, I kept my head down and took deep breaths to try and calm my overworking brain. I ran through all my luggage in my head one more time, to check I hadn't forgotten anything. I had already done that at least 10 times, but one more time couldn't hurt, right? 

I rounded the corner and saw my plane right on the other side of the window in front of me. My heart started beating even faster, even though it was going at an incredible speed already.

There was no one queuing to get on the plane yet, as I had arrived pretty early. The passport check out lady was looking at me with a strange expression and I realised that I had been standing there for at least a minute staring at the plane and probably looking like I was about to vomit. 

I walked up to the other man checking passports as I didn't want the judgy lady seeing my passport. She already thought I was a weirdo.   
"Have a nice flight, sir" the man gave me a tired smile and handed my passport back to me, the horrible photo glaring up at me. I walked through the sliding doors. 

My mind wandered back to all the possibilities of what could happen on the flight. What if we crash? What if someone sets a bomb off on the plane? What if I get travel sick? What if I throw up all over the person sitting next to me?   
God, that would be embarrassing.  
And anyway, what if I did make it out ok? What if my parent forget to pick me up?

I shook my head as hard as I could without looking like a complete crazy person, trying to get the nasty thoughts out of my mind. I knew that I needed to calm down, I didnt think the other people on the plane would appreciate me having a panic attack.   
I tried to distract myself by looking around at the other people walking to the plane and trying to work out what they were like. I did this a lot, I tried to work out who they were and what they were like by their face. I would look for worry lines, smile lines, bags under eyes and more.   
I also spent a lot of time looking at people and trying to work out if they were happy. 'Happy' had always been a strange concept to me. How do you know if someone is happy? What is the definition of happy? Are they happy?  
Am I happy?  
Or am I sad?   
What defines whether we are happy or sad? 

I snapped out of my reverie when someone ran over my foot with their suitcase.   
"Ow," I muttered, giving a grumpy glance at the man. I knew this flight wasn't going to be fun. 

*****  
I snapped the elastic band on my wrist again  
Stop it stop it stop it I thought to myself. I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, and my head was practically touching the seat in front of me. I hated how little space you got on these planes, it definitely doesn't help for when you are having a panic attack.   
I took some deep breaths to try and calm myself down. It wasn't working. I felt my throat go dry, my heart quicken and my breathing become shallow. I leant back in my seat again, and felt my stomach churn unpleasantly.

I really need to stop. I don't think the other passengers will appreciate it if I start crying. Oh god, what if I throw up on the person sitting next to me?  
What it the plane crashes?  
What if we all die?   
The thoughts swirling around my mind were not helping me calm down at all, so I took out an information sheet from the seat pouch in front of me.   
'Incase of emergency, oxygen makes will drop down from above'  
I put down the sheet as quickly as possible. That was definitely not helping either. I swallowed as nausea ran through me again, my throat scratchy and dry.

I shut my eyes and tried to do some more deep breathing, when a man stopped by my row of seats. I tried to not pay him much attention, I had to focus on staying calm. I heard him sit down next to me and cursed in my head. I really wanted to be alone right now.

"Not a fan of flying?" I heard a voice say after a few seconds. I looked over at him, and the first word that came into my head was 'attractive'. I looked away quickly.  
What the fuck. I'm not even gay! 

"I guess you could say that," my voice came out quiet and hoarse. I turned my head to look at him again. He had a messy pile of blue hair on his head, a few freckles across his face and a nose ring. Usually I thought that nose rings looked stupid on guys, but it really suited him. 

"I'm Josh, by the way"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I hope people really like this, is already got more hits than I ever expected!

"Tyler," was all I could force out of my dry throat in return. I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

"Well, you look like you might need an extra one of these," he said whilst shoving his sick bag into the pouch where mine was.   
"Just in case."  
I frown at him.   
"Not helping man"   
He smirks, mouth curving up on one side. It was pretty adorable.   
He rummages around in his hand luggage bag for a bit, trying to find something. I watch his arms, and the sleeve tattoo that he had.   
Again, I thought that lots of tattoos didnt always look very nice, but he somehow pulled out off without looking stupid.   
Josh notices me staring at his arm.  
"You like my tattoos?" I blush a little, embarrassed at being caught staring.

"Yeah, I like the colours," he smiles widely at me, his eyes crinkling in the corners. It was adorable.   
Jeez, what's with all the homosexual thoughts? I'm not gay! I thought. I was about to criticize myself some more, but Josh interrupted me.

"So what brings you to the wonderful state of Ohio then, Tyler?"  
"I live there. I've been visiting some universities my dad wanted to see"  
"Did you like any of them?" I looked at him, wondering why he was being so nice to me. Was he doing it because he felt sorry for me?  
Or did he genuinely want to know?  
"No. I don't even want to go to university, I just went to stop my dad nagging," I said. He nodded.

He found what he had been looking for, which was his phone. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he unlocked it (the passcode was 4579) and went to the messages section. I wondered who he was going to text, maybe his girlfriend?  
He clicked on his mum's name, and I felt a sudden rush of friendliness towards the boy. He told his mum that he was on the plane, and that he would text her when they landed.

"So what do you want to do instead?" I had to think about what he meant, and I realised he was continuing the conversation from a few minutes earlier.   
"Music. My dad doesn't think I will be able to make enough money to live from it, so he's making me check out all these universities too."  
"That kinda sucks"  
I look at him, confused.  
"I mean, your dad not being supportive," he adds. I shake my head.  
"He is only doing it because he loves me. He wants it to work out as much as I do, but he is worried about what will happen if it doesn't"

Josh looked away, down at his hands for a few moments. I thought he was going to reply, but if he was he got interrupted by the safety briefing.  
I didn't listen to the briefing at all, I knew it would make me more worried about the flight. I knew the basics anyway.   
Whilst ignoring the briefing, I realised that my heart rate was almost back to normal, my breathing was fine and I didn't feel sick anymore. Then I realised that Josh had helped stop my panic attack and again, felt a rush of friendliness for the blue haired boy.   
But soon enough, the plane was speeding down the runway, and I was a mess again. It wasn't as bad as before though, plus I didn't want to make a scene in front of Josh.  
I shut my eyes and took deep breaths as the plane tipped back. I winced as I felt my stomach drop, the plane was finally in the air. 

"Hey, do you want a sweet? It will stop your ears from popping," Josh held out a boiled sweet in his hand.   
I took it and smiled my thanks. I didn't think my voice box would have worked at this point.   
I tried to undo the wrapping, but with my shaking hands it proved to be difficult. Josh watched me struggle for a bit before he took the sweet out of my hands and unwrapped it for me. He handed it back, and this time I managed to mutter 'thanks'.   
Why is he being so nice to me? I thought. If I met me on a plane, I would try to get away as quickly as possible.  
I shut my eyes and concentrated on the lemon sweet in my mouth. It was really nice, I wondered where Josh got them from.   
When I heard the ding of the seatbelt sign turning off, I sighed in relief. I had survived the take off.  
Josh undid his seatbelt and scooted down in his chair.  
"I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up if you want to get out to go to the loo or anything".  
He smiled brightly at me again and shut his eyes. The image of his smiling face lingered in my mind, he had a very cute smile and I never wanted to stop staring. Thankfully, he had his eyes closed now so I could stare at him all I wanted.   
What the hell? That is the creepiest thing I've ever thought! And for a guy, too? God, there is something very wrong with me.  
I looked out of the window for something to stop me thinking about Josh, and felt my eyelids droop close. Panic attacks really take it out of you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys listened to heathens oml its so good  
> Any way enjoy this chapter

JOSH'S POV 

"Two waters, please" I said to the lady pulling the food trolley. I handed over my money and she moved onto the next row of passengers.   
I looked over at the small boy sleeping in the seat next to me. He looked so peaceful, and for some reason since I woke I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. There was something about Tyler that intrigued me, yet I couldn't put my finger on it. I felt very protective over him, even though I had only met him today.  
I looked down at my hands. Why was I having these feelings for Tyler? Confusion swirled around my brain, amid all the other strange feelings.   
The last time I had these kind of feelings was for Debbie, and we had dated for a year and a half. But I had never had any kind of feelings for a guy before.  
Did I have a crush on Tyler?

I heard a rustle and a small groan come from besides me.   
"Morning," I say to Tyler, but it came out sounding shy and quiet and stupid. God, I had to mess up everything didn't I.  
"Hi," he replied back in his cute little voice. His hair was messy and sticking out in every direction, and I couldn't take my eyes off of him once again.   
"I got you a water," I said, holding out the bottle to him. He took it slowly, a confused expression on his pretty face.   
"Thanks," he took a swig and we sat in awkward silence. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that water, it was too creepy. Dammit, I bet Tyler thought I was a right weirdo. I'd ruined any friendship already.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"  
Now it was my turn to be confused. I definitely wasn't expecting that, and his sudden question took me by surprise.  
"Well... Why wouldn't I?" I knew it was a bad answer, but I didn't know what else to say. He shook his head, but I could tell it was aimed at himself, not at me.  
"That came out wrong, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound ungrateful, I'm just wondering why you would sit down next to a obviously emotionally unstable person and be so nice. Most people get as far away possible."  
I didn't know what to say to that either, so I looked down at my feet extended under the chair in front of me and thought of a good answer.  
"I don't know really. I saw that you were sad, so I helped. I don't like seeing people sad I guess."   
More silence. More looking at my shoes.  
"Thank you for helping, Josh," he placed his hand on my arm, and I looked up to meet his eyes. "I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't sat down next to me."  
I smiled at him, and felt tingles where his hand was placed gently on my arm. Tyler saw me glance down at his hand and pulled it away quickly, a blush covering his cheeks.  
I wanted to tell him that I liked his hand there, and that he had nothing to worry about. I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted to hold him close and tell him that everything was going to be alright.   
But I did nothing, and sat there like an awkward bean. I hated anxiety.

After a few minutes, Tyler got his phone out. Probably to text someone, his girlfriend maybe? If he had a girlfriend it would explain why he pulled his hand away so quickly.   
But no, he opened Tetris. He played the game for at least 10 minutes until he got bored and switched to temple run. Temple run was my favourite, so I couldn't help but watch him play. He kept dying at the exact same place, and the most recent time he died he let out a frustrated moan.   
I couldn't help but chuckle at his frustration, as he was so damn adorable.  
He looked over at me and said with a smirk "If its so funny, why don't you do it?"   
"Challenge accepted," I said with a grin. I took the phone and hit the replay button. Tyler leaned over so he could see the screen clearly. I could feel his breath tickle my shoulder, and I suddenly got very hot.  
However, I didn't let it effect my game and I completed all of the jumps perfectly, including the one Tyler always failed at.   
"Dammit," I hear him mutter under his breath. I laughed, and soon ran into a wall. I handed him back the phone, 'new high score' flashing on the screen.   
He makes a little pouty face, and once again I am struck by this boy's adorableness. I grin at him as hard as I can, and he smiles back with a blush rising to his cheeks. I feel any leftover awkwardness from earlier melt away.  
"So where do you live in Ohio?" I asked him. I had to see Tyler again after today.   
"Outskirts of Columbus. You?"   
I felt a rush of excitement course through me. He lived so close!   
"The centre of Columbus!" He looked at me with excitement.  
"No way! Dude!" I laughed again and our eyes locked gaze. I couldn't look away for some reason, and it seemed like neither could he.   
"This is your captain speaking, if all passengers could please return to their seats and fasten their seatbelts, we will soon be landing in Ohio. Thank you!"   
We broke the eye contact at this, to put our seatbelts back on.  
Well, I did. Tyler had never taken his off.


	4. Chapter 4

TYLER'S POV

When I hear the seatbelt light ding on after the captain announced the beginning of the descent, I started to panic. Again. Josh was probably getting so sick of it by now.  
But Josh didn't act like it, even if he was. He unwrapped another sweet for me, so my ears didn't pop. He handed it to me with comfort in his eyes and a smile that said to me 'everything is going to be alright'.  
I shut my eyes and leaned my head back against the head rest again, partly because I needed to calm down, but also because I didn't want to make long eye contact with Josh like we did earlier. It wasn't because I didn't like it, in fact it was the complete opposite. I liked it a little too much and it terrified me.  
I tried to think about something else. Anything else other than my messed up feelings for Josh and the plane I was currently sitting in.  
I peeked out of the window and saw the ground getting ever closer. I let out a long, low groan as the turbulence shook around my insides, and I looked over to see how Josh was doing. For some reason he was bright red, but I had no idea why. Had I done something embarrassing? More turbulence shook me about, and I thought I was gonna puke. 

I felt a gentle hand on my arm, and looked over to see Josh with a reassuring smile on his face. A tingly warm sensation ran through my arm from where Josh's hand was. I watched his hand, analysing each vein, each mark on his hand.  
Then, for some reason I flipped my arm over and moved it until our palms were touching. Josh looked up at me with surprise, and I knew I had ruined everything.  
Why did I do that? He definitely doesn't like me now.  
But slowly, Josh curled his fingers in between mine, and we were holding hands. I wanted to scream, with excitement and terror. It felt so right, but Josh was a man. Which was so wrong. I couldn't be gay.  
As the plane hit the ground, I squeezed Josh's hand so hard he probably lost all feeling up to his elbow. I felt a rush of relief as the plane started to slow down. I was alive!  
Josh slowly pulled his hand away from mine to grab his phone from his pocket. It was probably a good thing, as my hands were extremely sweaty at that point.  
He texted his mum, but kept his phone in his hand as if he needed to do something else but couldn't remember what. After a few moments, Josh took a deep breath and spoke quickly.

"Can I get your number?" My eyes widened. I definitely was not expecting that.  
"Um... Sure!" The words came out quiet and wobbly. I sounded ridiculous.  
Josh handed me his phone and I added a new contact. He watched with a small smile as I typed in my details with shaking hands, and I had to retype my name at least 3 times.  
When I handed it back I smiled as widely as I could, and he grinned back. My heart fluttered as his eyes did the crinkly thing again.  
As we waited for the flight attendants to let us off the plane, I studied Josh's tattoo. He saw me looking, but I didn't stop studying the beautiful lines and colours.  
"What does it mean?" I resist the urge to trace my fingers along the pattern on his arm, but I knew that that would be taking it too far. I wasn't gay, after all.  
"I uh..." I could instantly tell that it was a personal thing for Josh, and I regretted it straight away.  
"I'm sorry. That's quite a personal question, you don't need to answer" I tell him, hoping he would forgive me.  
"Its fine, don't worry. Its kind of a long story, best for another time."  
I nod in understanding.  
Wait, 'another time'? Does that mean he wants to see me again?  
Excitement rushed through my body, making me blush. If Josh wanted to see me again, that meant he didn't hate me! Maybe he liked me!  
An I involuntary smile spread across my face at the thought of a new friend. I didn't have many of them.  
When we were finally allowed to get of the plane, I was determined to be the first off. I needed to get away from the flying capsule of death as quickly as possible.  
But my weak and skinny arms had a very hard time getting my heavy luggage off the shelf above, and I heard just giggle as Josh watched me struggle. I gave him an evil look, and he came over to help, still chuckling.  
"Thanks," Josh was about to answer but I want finished. "For everything Josh. Really."  
He did the crinkly eyed smiled again, and I almost fell over. I didn't know how many more of those smiles I could handle without combusting.  
I followed Josh down the narrow corridor, and I felt the rest of the tension in my body fall through my toes. It was a good job I put socks on this morning, otherwise my soul would have fallen through my toes as well.  
When we got out of the narrow corridor, I practically ran to get my passport checked. Well, I wanted to but my suitcase got stuck on the base of some railing and I almost fell over. I heard Josh snigger, making me go bright red.  
"Need any help?" He asked.  
I nodded, not wanting to make a show of myself. He walked around to the back of my suitcase and unlatched it so I could continue walking.  
There was only a small queue to get passports checked, and I was so excited to get out and go home. However, I felt a bit sad too, because I didn't want to leave Josh.  
When will I next see him? What if he forgets to call?  
My thoughts are interrupted by Josh.  
"So, do you play an instrument?" He asked.  
"Yeah, singing and piano mostly. I really want to learn a stringed instrument too, though."  
"Nice! I've always wished that I could sing. But I sound like a dying cat, so I decided it wasn't the best option and went for drums instead."  
I involuntarily watched his lips the whole time he was talking. They were a rosy pink, and looked so soft.  
Where are these gay thoughts coming from? I'm not gay. I can't be gay.  
"Drums are sick, man! How long have you been playing?" I tried to cover up the discomfort from my thoughts by giving Josh a big smile.  
"About 2 years now. Its probably my favourite thing to do ever!" He laughed and I almost cried. He was so damn adorable, and I couldn't help but feel weak from it.  
I was up next to get my passport checked, and Josh went to the lady on the booth next to me. I wondered what his passport photo was like. It was probably looked great, as Josh probably looked good no matter what.  
Apparently my photo was a little dodgy, and I saw Josh start to walk towards the door way before I did. I thought he was going to leave, and I would never see him again, and my heart sank.  
Josh knelt down to do up his shoelace and I saw my chance. I took my passport and jogged to catch up with him. I almost tripped up when I got to him, but I managed to stay on my feet. I looked up to see Josh grinning at me again and I smiled back, red with embarrassment.  
We walked towards the big arrivals hall, where our families would be waiting.  
"Why did you dye your hair? Its a great colour," I asked, while we were on one of those flat escalator things. Josh ran his fingers through his electric blue hair.  
"I wanted more colour in the world," he said. "Everything was seeming a bit dull, so I dyed it. Do you like it?"  
"Yeah, I think its great!" I really did. I wanted to run my hands through it until it fell out.  
Just then we rounded a corner, and I saw my mother and father waiting for me. I waved at them, but it took them a few seconds to notice me. But when they did, my mum almost cried.  
I turned to Josh, who was also waving at his mother from across the room.  
"It was really good to meet you, Josh."  
"Yeah, you too Tyler Joseph. I'll call you sometime."  
My whole body tingled when he used my full name, so I smiled and walked towards my family before he saw the blush on my cheeks.  
I couldn't wait for Josh to call me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self harm in this chapter sorry :/

5 DAYS LATER

I studied my naked body in the mirror, working my way up from my skinny legs to my un-toned abdomen to my sticking out ribs and finally up to my face.   
What I saw was no different to every other day, but it still made me feel sick. My cheekbones were prominent, my eye bags dark and tired. I looked like a skeleton.   
I knew that nothing could help me anymore. Everyday I was gnawed at by a hollowness that was expanding from my stomach, and the bigger it got, the less capable I was becoming. Getting out of bed was hard, washing was hard, living was hard.   
It was ironic really, because nothing could fill the hollowness. It was as if the hollowness didn't want to be filled, even though I wanted nothing more other than to feel whole again. I tried everything, eating until I was sick, drinking gallons of water a day, exercising until I collapsed, anything to try and fill the hole inside of me. Yet nothing worked. 

I turned away from the mirror and stepped into the shower, trying to get the skeletal image of my body out of my mind. The water was far too hot, but I could barely feel it hurting me.   
I ran my fingers through my hair and over my face.  
Why am I like this? I'm wasting away, wasting all of my young years. People my age are supposed to go to parties, have girlfriends and be happy. Yet I spend all of my time crying and sleeping. I only get to be young once. I am wasting so much.   
Tears ran down my face, mixing in with the shower water. My parents deserved a better child than me. A child who would be grateful of his loving parents.   
Sobs racked through my body, and I sat down on the shower floor.   
After a while, I wasn't sure how long, the shower water went cold and I stood up to turn it off. I took the nearest towel I could see and wrapped it around my body quickly, not wanting to see my reflection again.   
My eyes were sore and my face was red and blotchy, I hoped no on came upstairs and saw my face. If my mum saw how bad I had been doing lately, she would probably make me go to the doctor again. And I really didn't want that.   
I checked the coast was clear and ran to my bedroom. I chucked on the baggiest top and joggers I could find and sat down on my bed, head in my hands.  
What have I become?   
Suddenly, my phone buzzed from my desk. It was probably the phone company, I never got texts from people. No one cared about me anymore.  
I walked over to check anyway, only to see that it wasn't the phone company. It was an unknown number. I opened the message, curious as to what it was. 

Unknown number: Hey, its josh dun from the airplane. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?

He wants to see me?  
I had assumed that Josh would never want to see me again after embarrassing myself on that plane. But I knew that Josh definitely wouldn't like me now. I looked and had the personality of a dead body.   
But there was a little part of me that wanted to see him so badly anyway. There was something about Josh, and I couldn't work out why I wanted to see him so much.   
Maybe it will do me some good to go out for once. That's what the doctors all say, anyway.   
So I added his contact and pressed the reply button. 

Me: Sure! Are you free tomorrow?

I knew I was making a big mistake doing this. It would be the same as any other friendship I've had, he'd realise how messed up I really am and leave. 

Josh: Yeah, meet at Starbucks at 3?

That sounded terrible. I hated coffee. 

Me: Cool, see you there :)

I put my phone down and watched my shaking hands. This was all going to go wrong, I should never have agreed to meet Josh. Especially at a coffee shop, I should have suggested somewhere else. I lied back on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair.   
Its fine, I thought. I'm just going to make a new friend. The image of Josh's attractive face flashed through my mind and I questioned whether I wanted him to be just a friend.   
No, I'm not gay. Definitely just a friend.  
I rolled over onto my side and sighed.  
When was this going to stop? The constant sadness, worry and self doubt was a normal thing for me now, and it was exhausting. Yet the thing that bugged me most was the fact that I had no real reason to feel like this. I had everything, good parents, a nice home, food. I just wallowed in a hole of self pity and selfishness.   
I sat up, hatred coursing through my body. I hated myself so much and I needed to be punished for being such an ungrateful prick. So I walked over to my wardrobe and opened the door. I reached to the back for the little box I had sworn I would never touch again, and brought it to my desk. I put it down and looked at it, contemplating my choices.   
Last time I got a bit better, I promised myself that I would never touch the contents of this box again. I knew how bad I could get with this, and I knew it was dangerous.  
But I needed punishing so bad. And this was the only way that I knew would work.   
I unhooked the little latch, and slowly opened the box. I stared at the shiny blades I had stolen from my dad when I was 15, dried blood still on the edges.   
I picked one up and tried to get some of the old blood off of the blade with a tissue. Then with a shaking hand, I put the blade to my upper arm, just below where my short sleeved shirt finished and pressed down hard.   
I deserve this, I thought as I dragged the blade across quickly. I watched the blood drip down my arm and dropped the blade onto the desk. The way the blood rolled down my arm fascinated me, and I sighed as I felt relief wash over my body.   
I heard the door slam downstairs. My dad was home. I sat up quickly and mopped up the blood with some tissues, and wrapped up my arm with some leftover gauze in the box. I shoved the box back in my wardrobe and ran to the bathroom to flush the bloody tissues down the toilet.   
I heard my mum greet my dad, and a quiet 'how is Tyler?'. I didn't want to hear the answer so I quietly ran back to my room, and got into bed.   
When I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, my heart started pounding. What if there was some blood I hadn't wiped up? If my parents knew what I had just done, they would be so angry.   
The door opened and one of my parents peered in. I pretended to be asleep, so they would hopefully leave me alone. I heard a sigh, and I knew it was my dad. The door clicked shut and I opened my eyes. Dinner would be ready soon, but I was really tired and not hungry at all, like usual. I rarely ate anymore.   
I shut my eyes again, thinking about tomorrow with Josh.   
What should I wear? I want to look good, but not like I put too much effort into my outfit.  
I thought about everything and anything that could go wrong, and eventually drifted off to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I hope peoples are liking this. Sorry I'm so bad at updating lol


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, my eyes fluttered open as the sun streamed in through my blinds and onto the ground around me, showing me what I had done last night. Showing me that it had gotten so bad once again, that this is where my mind had gone. 

I was so angry at myself for giving in to it. I had sworn to my parents that this would never happen again, I had let them down again.   
I knew what this meant. It meant that I wouldn't be able to face my parents, that I would have to isolate myself from them even more. If they found out what I had done, they would send me away for sure this time. 

My body felt heavy, like a rock. I didn't think I would be able to get out of bed, so I closed my eyes and hoped for more sleep to take me away. My mind wandered, thinking about how disappointing I was, how I was going to end up alone, how Josh would definitely hate me. 

My eyes shot open as I remembered Josh. I was meeting him today, and I had totally forgotten! I reached over for my phone and checked the time, relieved to see it was only quarter to twelve. That left me some time to get ready. I probably need at least an hour to persuade myself to actually go, and to not chicken out. 

I dragged the covers off of myself slowly, exposing my skin to the cold air. As I walked to the bathroom, I heard my dad leave the driveway for work and I felt relief wash through me. One less parent for me to avoid. 

When I got to the bathroom, I shut and locked the door behind me. I walked over to the mirror and took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what damage I had done this time. My heart pounded as I pushed up my sleeve so I could peel off the bandage around my skinny arm. It really hurt, but I finally managed to get it off. There was blood and some clear yellowy stuff on the bandage, and alarm bells started ringing in my head. That was never a good sign. 

I looked down at my arm, dreading what I would see. Sure enough, there was a big slice in my arm, much bigger than I thought it was when I did it. It was slightly yellow around the edges, and there was pus seeping out of it. I groaned quietly. Infected cuts were probably the worst thing that could happen.

Luckily I found some antiseptic gel in the cupboard, so I applied it generously, welcoming the harsh sting. I deserved all the pain I could get. I rummaged around for more stuff to wrap my arm up with, and did it as neatly as possible so you couldn't notice it from underneath clothes. 

I spent at least 15 minutes choosing what to wear. In the end, I went for black skinny jeans, a white tee and a hoodie. I hoped it wasn't too casual.   
You're making a huge mistake, Tyler. My head said as I tried to tame my wild bed hair.   
Its going to go horribly wrong. He is going to hate me.

But no matter how many of these thoughts entered my head, I still knew that I really wanted to see Josh again. I was being so selfish, it would have probably been better to leave Josh alone. He wouldn't want to become friends with a sad, pathetic wimp like me. 

I ran downstairs at 2:15, and I saw my mum's eyes nearly pop out of her head. It was very rare that I would be up and dressed by this time.  
"Hi honey! How are you feeling?" She asked.  
"Alright. I'm going out to meet a friend in a bit, is that okay?" Surprise was plastered all over her face at that.   
"Of course!" I gave her a weak smile and went to find some suitable shoes. 

As I was rummaging around in the cupboard for my vans, I heard my mum approach from behind me.   
"So who are you going to go meet?"  
"Um..." What was he, a friend? An acquaintance? "A guy I met when I went to visit those universities last week."

Before she could answer, I had my shoes on and was racing towards the front door. I didnt think she suspected that anything had happened last night, and I didn't want her to work it out either so I called out a quick goodbye and got in my car. It definitely wasn't going to take half an hour to get there, so I sat there with my head on the steering wheel for a bit.   
What am I doing? I am making a huge mistake.I couldn't chicken out now. It was too late to cancel anyway. 

My heart pounded in my chest the whole way there and my sweaty hands made the steering wheel slick. I probably looked disgusting too. 

I got there at 2:50, ten minutes until our agreed meeting time. I decided that it would look weird if I waited in my car, so I walked into the Starbucks and sat in a booth facing the door. I shut my eyes and tried to stay calm. I didn't understand why I was getting so nervous about seeing Josh. He was just a friend, right? 

Before I could get lost in my thoughts anymore, I heard someone slide into the booth opposite me. I opened my eyes and almost exploded.

I was once again taken aback by how attractive Josh was, yet this time he seemed to look even better. His chocolate eyes were soft and warm, crinkling at the edges as he smiled. His lips were pink and soft looking, and for some reason I had a sudden urge to touch them. The blue hair on his head was messy, but it suited him so well. He was adorable, and I hated it. Why was he so attractive to me? I was straight!

"Hey Tyler, how are you doing?" His voice sounded smooth and heavenly.

"Good," I squeaked. I saw him smile at my obvious nervousness. "How about you?"

"Yeah, I'm alright. What would you like to drink?"

"Uhh..." My mind went blank. I didn't actually like coffee. "Well, the thing is... I don't really like coffee."  
Why did you tell him that? He isn't going to want to hang out with you anymore now. 

"Why didn't you tell me that when we were organising a place?" He asked with a small laugh. I let out a sigh of relief, he didnt seem too mad at me. But before I could answer, he continued talking. "Its alright, there's loads of things you can get here that don't even have any coffee in. They do tea as well!" 

He seemed very excited by the choices of hot drinks that Starbucks served, and it made my heart flutter in my chest. It had never done that before, making me a bit worried that I was having heart problems. Its not like I had any feelings for Josh, so it must of been something else. I was straight.   
I have been reminding myself of my heterosexuality more often recently. What is happening?  
"Uh, I'll have a chai tea then, please"   
"Sure."

Josh got up and walked to the counter to order our drinks. For some reason my eyes were drawn to his butt, and I couldn't look away no matter how hard I tried. His butt was a good butt, which made me very uncomfortable. Why did his butt give me so many feelings? Feelings that I have never felt before? Feelings I knew I should have been disgusted by?   
I forced myself to look away, down at my shoes. They were blue, and I had taken out the laces a while ago when they became too small. Josh came back, with two cups in his hands. I thanked him as he put the drink down in front of me.

"So Tyler, how is the music going?" 

*****

We had been sitting and talking for over 2 hours, and we had gone through 2 drinks each. I was tired, but I didn't want to leave yet. I felt relaxed for once. No matter what I had been doing recently, there was always a knot at the pit of my stomach reminding me of all my problems. It was a nice feeling, and it was nice to experience it once again. Josh had made me forget about my problems for a while.   
"Do you live by yourself?" I asked, intrigued to find out more about Josh even though we had been talking for ages.   
"Yeah, I live in an apartment about 5 minutes away. I used to live with someone, but we broke up about 6 months ago and they moved out."  
"What happened?"  
"He cheated on me."  
My mind went completely blank, going fuzzy at the information I had just heard.  
He?  
Josh is... Gay?  
I didn't know what to do, I knew I should have wanted to get away as fast as possible. 

Being gay was a sin. That's what I had been told since I was old enough to go to church. But Josh was the nicest person I had ever met, he didn't seem like a sin. He was the most caring, funny person I knew. 

"Hey, are you alright?" Josh must have noticed my strange behaviour.   
"Yeah, sorry. Just had a funny moment." My voice had gone back to being squeaky and quiet.   
After a few moments of silence, Josh spoke again.  
"Tyler, I really don't want to be pushy but would you like to come over to mine sometime? I'd love to show you my drums. Its totally okay if you don't want to."   
Before I could even think it through, I was nodding my head. What would my dad say if he knew I was spending time with a gay person?  
Josh grinned at me, and I suddenly didn't care what my dad would think. It would be worth it to see the crinkly eyed smile again.   
"Great! So when are you free?" He sounded so delighted by my response, and again I didn't think it through before I said,  
"Tomorrow?" He laughed at my eagerness, and a blush rose to my cheeks. 

"Sick, man. See you then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I'm going on work experience next week and I have dance rehearsals for the next few weekends, so I don't know when I will next update. Sorry!   
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter:)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update!!! I have been feeling super shitty! Also sorry its a bit short I just really wanted to update. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of writing soon.

_What am I doing?_  
_I can't spend time with Josh. I'm making such a huge mistake._      
_What would people say? What if he... taints me?_

I flicked myself on the forehead a few times, I needed to feel pain. My other hand was gripped on the steering wheel so tight that I thought my knuckles would burst through my skin.  I felt the familiar sting behind my eyelids, the words 'what are you doing' playing on repeat in my head.

I approached the driveway to the house, but I slowed and stopped just outside. The person I had become was so different from who I used to be. Would my parents even recognize me anymore? I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes as I tried to hold back the tears I knew would come anyway.

I just couldn't believe Josh was gay! How could he do this to me? All I wanted was a friend. He liked other men!  
Although the thoughts in my head were full of hatred, somehow none of the hatred was aimed at Josh. It was all at myself. Why was I not disgusted by him? Why did I enjoy being with him? I was going against everything I had been taught. Was I betraying God?

I saw my mother standing at the upstairs window, dusting. I wiped the tears on my face and pulled into the driveway the rest of the way. My mother had noticed I was back and was holding the front door open for me. I  prayed that my face wasn't too red from crying.

"Hi honey! Did you have a nice time?" She asked as I walked through the door.

"Yeah," I replied, my voice quiet.

"Who did you meet with?" I really didn't want to answer her questions at this point, but I cleared my throat and answered them anyway. She couldn't know how bad I was doing.

"A guy called Josh. We met on the plane back to Ohio."

"That's great honey! Is he nice?" I nodded, taking my shoes off at the same time.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," I said, giving her a small smile as I climbed the stairs. I heard her give an 'okay' back.

As soon as I got to the bathroom, I shut the door and slid down to the floor. I put my head in my hands and let the tears flow. They ran in hot tracks down my arms, making my jeans wet at my elbows.

I felt the familiar burning itch under my skin, and I knew I needed pain. I needed to hurt, physically. I couldn't go back to my room to get the razors now, so I settled on pressing on the deep cut I had left in my arm from last night instead.

I felt my face scrunch up as the pain shot through my arm.  
This is what I deserve, I thought.  
For doubting God.

A warmth coming from the cut starting spreading downwards, and I realised that the cut was bleeding. Cursing, I took my top off and quickly got some tissues to try and prevent any blood from getting anywhere.

Once I had stopped the flow of blood coming from my arm, I flushed the tissue down the toilet and took the rest of my clothes off. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and saw that my face was wet and puffy, and I realised that the tears were still streaming down my face.

I wiped them away hastily. I was such a wimp, crying like this all the time. My skin tingled as I first stepped under the hot shower, and I bit back a shout when the water flowed into the huge cut in my arm. The sting was almost unbearable, but I endured it anyway. It was what I deserved, after all.

***

I threw the covers off of my legs. Sleep was not coming anytime soon, and I knew how I could get these thoughts out of my head without hurting myself again.

I found the matte black notebook under a pile of rubbish on my desk, so I sat down and opened a new page. I sat there motionless for a few seconds, waiting for something to write. It doesn't take long for the words to come flowing out of me.

After reading it through and changing any bits I didnt like, I read it through.

I can't sleep  
It's just taking time off of my feet  
But my head instead is going a hundred miles per beat  
And I'm thinking as I'm sinking and he's winking at me  
Because they know that desperation and temptation is free, do you see?

I can't live this way just to write a song to play  
Just enough to stay alive  
Just enough to breathe away  
Another day, another face and I will lose another race  
Save me now  
Cause tomorrow's gone, just like yesterday

 

It felt like I had written loads, but when I read it through it didn't seem like as much. I glanced at the clock next to me on the desk to see that it was 02:14, and my eyes were finally beginning to feel droopy.

As I made my way back to my bed, my thoughts began to wander to Josh again. What did he think of my strange behaviour earlier? I didn't want him to think I was homophobic, but surely I was? I knew that it was against God's will to be gay.  
Well maybe I didn't mind others being gay. As long as they didn't try to hit on me, right? Because I definitely wasn't gay.

My thoughts were starting to get hazy with sleep, and the last thing I think of before I finally drift off to sleep was blue hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah sorry it was so short. I feel kinda guilty writing this so should I continue?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? I hear you say. Another chapter? So soon? This is so unlike me! Anyways, I hope you enjoy and hopefully I will start updating regularly from now on.

JOSH'S POV

"Hey Tyler, you want something to eat?" I looked over at the small boy beside me, game controller in hand. 

"Oh, no thanks," he gave me a small smile. 

"Okay, I'll be right back."

I was worried about Tyler. This was only the second time I had seen him since the plane journey, yet he looked so different. So unhealthy. His eyes were tired and had huge bags, his face looked thin and hollow and his clothes looked like they were hanging off of a skeleton he was so skinny.   
Although he hadn't been in the best state on the airplane, he looked alot healthier then than he did now. And needless to say that I wanted to help. I knew that we weren't very close friends yet, but I already felt attached to Tyler in a way that I hadn't felt with anyone else. Hopefully he felt that too.

I got my snack, but suddenly I wasn't as hungry. What if Tyler was ill?

As I walked back to the sofa, crisps in hand, I watched the back of his head. Even his neck looked skinny. I sat back down next to him and put the crisps on the coffee table. I picked up my controller again and Tyler unpaused the game. 

"Tyler" 

"Yeah?"

"Are you... feeling alright?" 

His head shot up to meet my gaze, surprise written all over his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine." His answer came too quickly, and I could sense something was wrong.   
"Why?" He questioned.   
Crap. How did I answer that? I couldn't just say 'you look like crap and im worried about you'!

"Well, I can't help but notice that you look a little more... tired than usual."  
He looked down at his hands, the game we were playing now on pause. I carried on talking before he could reply.  
"Look, I know we aren't exactly... close yet, but I just want to you to know that I will always be here for you. I hate seeing people I care about unhappy, so if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone I will always help."  
My heart was thumping in my chest. What if he wasn't even unhappy? Maybe he just had stomach flu? I wanted to believe myself, but deep down I knew it was something more, no matter how much I hoped it wasn't.

I look over to see a tear roll down Tyler's cheek. He is still looking down at his hands, and I hoped I hadn't said too much. We had practically just met.

I put my hand on his back to try and and comfort him, but he stiffened and I removed it again. I was going too far now.   
A small sob escaped Tyler's lips, and I thought 'fuck it' as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and pulled him against me in a hug.

He felt stiff at first but he soon relaxed into me and started full out crying into my chest. I rubbed circles into his back and waited for him to stop.

After a minute or two, he had calmed down, just a sniffle or a hiccup here or there. I expected him to pull away and be disgusted at me for hugging him, but he still didn't move. He felt good in my arms, soft and warm even if a little bony. I had to resist the urge to run my fingers through his fluffy, unbrushed hair.

"Better?" I asked after a few moments of silence. He nodded against my chest.   
"You don't have to tell me anything Tyler. Just remember that I will always be here, okay?"  
He nodded again.

***

TYLER'S POV 

I was so scared. So scared of so many things. I was scared of anxiety, so scared of depression. I was scared that I would never be able to get on with my life because it will be taken over by depression. I was scared to start senior year next year, I was scared of starting the basketball season again, but most of all I was scared of Josh. 

The things he was making me feel were not feelings I had ever experienced before, and they definitely weren't feelings I wanted to feel. I knew these kinds of feelings were wrong, yet it still felt so right. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of them. 

It was on the second day after my embarrassing crying session that I decided to take up on Josh's offer of help, although I it would probably scare him off if he knew what was going on inside my head.

Me: Are you free at the moment? Could you come over?

Josh Dun: Sure, are you alright? What's the address?

I decided not to answer the first question and go straight for the second. There was no need to scare him off before he even got here.

I sent the address and decided that I should probably change out of the smelly clothes I was wearing and brush my teeth. When was the last time I had showered? I couldn't remember, so I put an excessive amount of deodorant on to hopefully mask any nasty smells.   
The doorbell rang about 20 minutes after I had sent my address, and just as I opened the door I realised that I hadn't brushed my hair in days. Josh probably thought I was a tramp. 

"Hey," I said to him as he walked through the door. 

"Hi, Tyler." He looked just as good as two days ago, his blue hair tucked under a snapback.   
"Why did you call me over at such short notice? Are you alright?" There was genuine concern in his voice, I didn't know what to do. He was being so kind to me, but I found it so hard to explain this to people. 

"I... " My voice trailed off before I had even started. I went to the sofa and sat down, head in my hands. Josh followed and sat down next to me, so close that our legs were touching. 

I had planned to tell Josh a bit about what was going on inside of my head, but know he was here I doubted whether I would be able to do it. 

"Its okay, Tyler" I wanted to melt away into Josh, his voice was so soft and warm and comforting.   
I let out a deep breath and said something.  
"I'm scared," I said, my voice cracking slightly.

"Of what?" I sighed and looked at his hand resting on his thigh. I ran my fingers over his, tracing each finger over and over again. 

"Everything," Josh looked at me, waiting for me to explain. 

"I'm scared that this is all there is. All I will be. What if im stuck feeling like this forever? I'm so scared, Josh." My voice dropped down to a whisper. "I dont want to be here anymore."

I stopped moving my hand across his, and just let it rest on top. Josh looked at me and I met his gaze.

After a few moments, Josh spoke again.   
"I want be here. I know that doesn't help at all, but I want you to stay."  
I feel tears well up in my eyes again.   
"You know what," he continues, "I will show you that its worth staying. We are gonna do so much, have so much fun together, it'll be a ride. I'll make you believe you are lovely, Tyler, because you are. You just can't see it yet."

That was what made the tears finally spill over. No one had ever treated me like this before, so kind and caring. I had never had many friends at school, despite being captain of the basketball team. I was lonely all of the time, and no one had ever made an effort to see if I was really okay before Josh.

I really needed to stop crying in front of him though. I wiped my face hastily, hoping he didn't notice, but he did. 

Josh lifted his hand to my face and wiped away the rest of the tears slowly. I studied his face as he did it, his soft pink lips and his fluffy blue mop. I wondered what it would feel like to have my fingers in his hair, lips pressed against his. But I banished the thought as quickly as possible, I couldn't think like that. 

"Want to play Mario Kart?" I asked him, completely changing the subject. I'd had enough angst for one day.

"Sure!" He dropped his hand from my face and I instantly missed the warmth. But I knew it was for the best.  
I didn't want my strange feelings for Josh to get any stranger.


	9. dont get excited

So I'm afraid I am going to not continue this fic. I have come to realise that joshler is so stupid and disrespectful? Like I am here for the music and I dont need to delve into their personal lives to enjoy the music. I dont really think that that is respectful and not how i want to show my gratitude to the people who have done so much for me.   
If any of you guys still enjoy joshler then that is fine and you can still read fanfiction all you want, just not this one. 

I'm not trying to tell you what you can and cant do at all, just why I am no longer updating this fic. I hope you dont mind. 

Follow me on ig and twitter if you want, I have the same username. 

**Author's Note:**

> Agh I know its short and bad I'm sorry ❤


End file.
